Yogurt, Dr. Freud?

rain, mild, temps plus 5

I keep thinking it's unseasonably warm, then remember we're into March...and anything can happen. March and April - real messes here in southern Canada. I remember being in the St Patrick's Day Parade, through Montreal. This was when I was a host on CBC Radio. They put us into an open car - convertible. It snowed. It always seems to snow on March 17th. The parade is famous for it. It's known as the last snow of the season.

That's a lie. We've sometimes had snowstorms (albeit rare) in May.

So at this time of year it rains, and snows, and freezing rain, and hails and sleets. But, c'est la vie.

Writing going well. Wrote 13-hundred words today and finished a chapter. I'm feeling oddly calm. Relaxed. But a reflection of not caring, but I think of feeling quite sure of the story, and enjoying where I need to take it. I'm not one of those writers who does best in pain, or anxiety, or fear.

If I'm actively fearful my writing will be terrible. I'll be trying too hard. Often trying to impress. Like trying to hit a golf ball a million miles and only end up hooking or slicing or dubbing it completely. But when I'd be relaxed and happy, my swing would be natural and the ball would sail out there. And I'd enjoy the round.

Writing is like that for me. I think about a book for months before I start. Research. Read. Sit quietly and empty my mind. Sit quietly and fill my mind. Listen to music. Read poetry.

And then, start to write.

I need to be calm and confident. And while it's difficult it can and must still be joyful. When I feel like that I'm open to the universe. Not writing to impress others. Not writing out of fear. But instead feeling confident enough to take chances. When I'm afraid I play it safe. Take no chances, go down no dead ends. I don't explore and take risks.

As a result, when I write in fear or stress when happens is OK. But OK isn't nearly good enough. It was once, many years ago. But no more. Now I need to do my best. And then try to do better. And the only way I can get there is to be filled with joy. that fuels courage. Besides, it makes the writing so much more fun.

But I did have an odd dream last night (feel free to glaze over about now). I dreamed one of the books was being made into a film. We were all getting to the set - preparing. And suddenly (can you guess?) - I realized I was supposed to write the screenplay. And I hadn't.

oh oh.

then the actor playing Gamache completely ignored me - except to ask for yogurt.

I'm frankly just grateful I kept my clothing on throughout the dream.

Perhaps I'm not quite as calm and worry-free as I think. Still, I did manage to find the yogurt.

27-thousand

overcast, very mild, temps 12

Really, astonishingly mild. Almost warm. Doesn't stop us from still sitting by the fire every day. Writing. It's one of my favorite things on earth. And one of my least favorite. Depending on how the work is going.

This morning it felt like my feet weighed a thousand pounds...lugging them into the living room. I just didn't want to write. I'd tossed a lot last night...thinking about this new, unexpected, direction the book has taken. Not comfortable with it. Having to wonder if my discomfort was because it was a stretch - daring - difficult even painful - but right. Or if the discomfort came from knowing, instinctively, it was wrong.

Toss, turn. Toss, turn.

I finally decided it was wrong. As soon as I came to that conclusion it felt better. This morning over breakfast I talked to Michael about it. He had some insight and a great idea. So that felt wonderful. But still - I just didn't want to go to work today. I thought though, if I don't what will I do that's better? Watch TV and eat gummy bears? And I realized there was nothing I would really rather do.

Once again, it was just the fear talking.

so I sat down anyway - and am very happy with today's pages. Am at 27-thousand words, more or less. About a quarter of the way through the first draft.

Went into sutton after that - to pay taxes and do some mailing. Then exercised at home - did a load of laundry - Pat came over with a recipe that needed copying.

Oh, congratulations to Alan Bradley, who won the Dilys award! Given out this past weekend by the Independent Mystery Booksellers Association. Very well deserved!

We're off to Montreal tomorrow. Breakfast in Cowansville then into Montreal. Michael has a noon lunch with a friend and I'll settle into our apartment to write. Wednesday I'll be meeting my publicist for Hachette Canada for lunch - she's flying in from Toronto to meet and discuss the books and marketing. Then will tape an interview for Sharman Yarnell's show in CJAD.

Coming back to Sutton Thursday in time to speak to students at the elementary school as part of the Literacy Project. They've invited me for lunch first. I was laughing about the dreadful cafetieria lunches when I was growing up - but they said the Sutton Elementary School had won awards for the best meals in the province! Healthy, tasty, popular and inexpensive. for instance, today's meal is grilled chicken panini with raw vegetables and fresh fruit. On Thursday when I'll be there for lunch they're serving Baked Salmon with lemon, New potatoes and Bumbleberry muffins.

the meals cost five dollars. Amazing. And apparently the kids love it. Have made the transition from junk food, canned veg, and fries to this very happily.

Well, off to watch Fantasy Homes By the Sea. Nice escapism. Hope you're well!

Tara

Sunny skies - a few clouds, breezy - temps minus 3

Nice day - I'm thinking of taking Trudy snow shoeing this afternoon. Too bad thinking about it isn't enough!

Picked up the copy of Billy Bishop Goes to War that Maurice at the local radio station had kindly transfered to CD. I'm so excited about it - but have decided to save listening to it until I exercise tomorrow. Always good to hold out a treat for myself - normally it's an eclair.

Got an email from Jen Forbus this morning. She has a terrific, and very creative, blog called Jens Book Thoughts. She wrote to say the voting has started in the first round of the Detective matches. As you might know, Armand Gamache is going head-to-head with Jesse Stone, by Robert Parker. Gamache might be at a slight disadvantage because he doesn't carry a gun. Perhaps I'll give him one, just for this tournament. But I don't think so. He must use his wiles to win.

Here's Jen's message -

Week 1 of the World's Favorite Detective Tournament is open for voting. Come fill out your ballot; it's quick and easy!

http://bit.ly/ck5Sj5

And then pass the word along to all your friends! Support your favorite detectives in our own Mystery March Madness.

If you'd like to enter the contest, there's still time to do that. Entries for predictions of who will make the Elite Eight, the Final Four, the Championship and who will take it all, will be accepted through midnight tonight only:

http://bit.ly/dbh5M1

Good luck to all the detectives!

I hope the links Jen sent work.

The writing went much easier today. it often does after struggling for a day. There's a sort of breakthrough. did 2,000 words today and am now sitting about about 12,000 works in the first draft. I generally race through the first draft, pushing myself, mostly because I really don't like first drafts and want it over with. Having said that, when the writing is going well there are few feelings like it on earth - at least in my experience. That sort of bliss that comes from doing well what I know I'm meant to do.

Still, it's hard work and it is clear to me now that while I'm willing to work hard, and I know that is the only way I'll achieve what I want...I don't actually like working hard.

Do you know what it is? Fear.

The fact is, if I didn't have a contract to write...if my publishers dropped me - I would still be doing exactly what I'm doing today. Writing an Armand Gamache mystery. I just need to remember I'm doing it because I love it.

I also need to remember that most people have really, really hard jobs. They don't get to sit in front of a fireplace. They don't get to wander into their own kitchens and make cafe au laits. Or break up work by snow shoeing with their dogs. Most people don't get to write blogs for kind readers, or respond to people who have taken the time to write nice emails.

Most people work hard, for little money, for almost no recognition, often for demanding and demeaning bosses.

I get to open my laptop and enter Three Pines, and have meals with Clara and Myrna, Gamache and Beauvoir.

And sometimes it's hard. But a bad day today is still better than my best days before I was writing. When fear had won.

The only shadow over our lives today is worry about the Mount's dog, Tara. She's old and frail and almost certainly dying. Linda sits up with her all night, both dozing when they can. Linda and Bal worrying whether Tara is in pain. Whether her time has come. but as they put it, what they want to do is get rid of the suffering, not the sufferer.

And so they continue to comfort Tara. And wait. And pray to know when her time has come.

Today, when we got up at 7:30 their van wasn't at the guest cottage. And it still hasn't returned. We wonder if Tara's time came in the middle of the night and they took her into Montreal. to their vet there. I guess we'll find out.

Very sad, as most of you know - having faced exactly this same decision. And perhaps some of you are facing it right now too. if so, my sympathies.

Be well. Speak tomorrow.